He says, She says

Episode 29: Boys don't cry

2006-10-28T13:45:00.000-07:00

He says:

Why are women always the delicate darlings? The cry-babies.

Think about it, women display grief like it's a work of art.

Haven't you seen many an argument automatically swing in favour of the woman simply because the poor baby cried?

The audience vote always is in favour of the woman who is crying, irrespective of whether she's right or wrong.

Why does this happen? Because, men don't cry or break down. Instead, the more upset they are, the more they frown or the angrier they appear. Now, we all know women are more attractive than most men. And, nobody feels sorry for an angry man. In fact, the angrier he gets, the uglier he looks, the more despicable he appears. What choice does he have really? If he cries, they'll call him sissy. They'll say he's wuss. And it's not really macho. So he does what he has to. Pretend he's got buffalo-skin.

Women, aided with a few drops of tears, have no problems appearing convincingly victimised.

The way men and women handle grief is very different. Women think of grief management by getting it out of their system, indulging in self-pity and then rationalising that now that they have been victimised, they have to think of emerging out of the whole situation stronger.

Female bonding and such self-help groups help them achieve liberation.

Men, take the easiest way out. The 'escape' route. A boys night out.

They laugh out the blues over a couple of drinks by poking fun at the situation. Or just Movies. Games. Work. Or just other girls to take their mind of the current problem. They probably cry secretly in the privacy of their bedrooms if need be, but largely, they find ways to escape the situation. They let something else occupy their mind-space.

And before they know it, the tragedy of epic proportions is forgotten or looked at objectively, with a new perspective.

That's because Men don't take their lives as seriously as women do.

Which is why they travel light. They don't think 'Once bitten, twice shy'. In fact, they like the adventure, they don't hesitate to visit old ghosts. They face life with new confidence and optimism.

The scars remain as a mark of the courage they displayed under grave circumstances. The scars that remind him that he's a warrior in this world sympathetic to the female of the species. And he will survive.

She says:

Saying all women sniffle sadly into delicate lace handkerchiefs every time things go wrong, is like saying all men hate to ask for directions. (Oh. Wait a second. All men DO hate to ask for directions. So lets just say you can't generalise with women.)

Just because everyone knows a couple of wet mop women turn on the waterworks at the slightest provocation, that doesn't mean every woman you ever meet is going to be that soppy.

The truth is that most women are far tougher than men. Take their thresholds for pain, for example. Whether it's enduring a waxing session at the parlour, or having a baby, women just grit their teeth and get it done with without complaining.

On the other hand, have you ever seen a man with a cold? He'll bring the house down, shuffle around groaning mournfully and sniffle sadly over hot soup as he mentally draws out his last will and testament. For men are the ultimate Drama Queens. The whole 'I'm so macho I open beer bottles with my teeth' image is just a front.

In fact the last time I saw a man open a beer bottle with his teeth (to impress some young thing in too much lipstick of course), our hero bit through the bottle, cut his mouth and spend the rest of the evening holding a hanky over it and shrieking like a just-crowned Miss World.

And why do people always assume it's the women who cry at movies?

I'll never forget watching Titanic at a movie theatre in Mumbai. As the ship went down, its brave band began to play. But I was looking elsewhere. Because on either side of me there were men crying so hard they could have probably re launched the Titanic.

When a friend of mine got pinched at a mall, she turned around and walloped the guy who did it, though he was twice her size. Another petite friend charged at four whistling morons to shut them up, brandishing her helmet and scared them half to death. At a party, I heard a pretty young thing tell her friends how she ran after and kicked down the bicycle of a man who was kept following her.

None of them cried. It wasn't even an option.

For women realise that collapsing into a teary heap doesn't help anyone, least of all themselves. So they pull themselves together and work out ways to survive. Besides tears can really mess up your mascara!

Episode 28: Bad boys bad boys

2006-10-11T12:16:00.000-07:00

She says:

He has a snarling tiger tattooed across his gasp-worthy biceps. His hair hasn't seen a shampoo bottle in weeks, and looks like its been chewed by his pet dog (who's probably called Tarantula). He wears a black leather jacket that's evidently seen happier times. And zooms about town on a wicked-looking bike.

Of course, he's irresistible.

What is it about 'bad boys' that makes women go weak in the knees?

Logically, why would anyone want to date a man who knocks out people's teeth as often as your friendly neighbourhood dentist? A man who gate crashes parties and then needs to be carried out horizontally – probably clutching a bottle of rum and singing all the way. A man who is probably as difficult to bring to heel as a puppy who's just found the cookie jar.

Why do all romantic books and movies feature men who are arrogant, head strong and difficult?
Because men like that are exactly what make romance so interesting.

Nice boys are boring. They get up at 5 a.m. and jog, for heavens sake! That should be enough to put you off them for life! They have important, responsible jobs, like banking. Yawn! And once they manage to tear themselves away from their computers, they probably spend the evenings doing exciting things like Sudoku. Or watching reruns of Desperate Housewives. Or making new friends though Stamp Collecting communities on the Internet.

Life with tattoo man, however, will never be boring. First of all there's the challenge of keeping him interested, which should apply to all women who 'like the chase better than the kill.' Good boys can be taken for granted, while bad boys keep you on your toes.

Then there's the fact that they surprise you with delightfully impractical ideas: organise a post-party basketball match at 1 a.m. on the way home, or book tickets to Alaska and take off for a month of madness. You don't always have to listen to them, but an impromptu bike ride at midnight can be unforgettable.

Besides, life with the Muscled One will always feel a safe, in a deliciously unsteady way. Because when one of those letches, who always seem to congregate at discos, tries his lousy lines on you, the Boy's not going to just frown dissuadingly and complain to the manager. He'll stand up and plaster the creep, and his friends.

And that's why biker boys will never be short of girls.

Of course, keeping up with them in the long run can be exhausting. But, for a while at least, go ahead and date that bad boy for a while.

After all, you know the old saying: Good girls go to heaven. Bad girls go everywhere.

He says:

Now that it is official that bad boys are cool, I reproduce below the abridged confessions of the original bad boy (the actual ones had to be censored heavily for the sake of children who might come across this space).

Dear Shrink,

I know I've been visiting you more off late but the truth is your receptionist makes me go crazy every time I call her to fix up an appointment with you.

Yes, I've been seeing her for a while now. That's given me unlimited access to her diary that has the numbers of all the other flaky chicks who visit you.

Given my obsession with being bad, I've dated almost all your patients, within the last few months. To tell you the truth, it doesn't take much to get these women.

A daily trip to the gym has won me even women twice my age, so much that I completely enjoy the experience. Of gymming, of course.

The tattoo and the leather jacket I got in high school have always complemented each other. With bad girls showing great interest in tattoos, my jacket comes off too often these days.

Being a bad boy has given me the licence to drive miss Daisys, Roses, Jasmines and Lilys, all at the same time, simply because they like the challenge of keeping me interested in them.

While the first few dates used to cost me a beer to get an excuse to drop her home. These days, they invite me over for the free drink, dinner and dessert. Sometimes, it ends with breakfast on the house. Interestingly, I've learnt a lot about the kind of furniture they invest in, during these midnight surprise parties I gatecrash into. And my basket-ball games have never gone score-less.

It's not like I like the street-fights. That's pretty much for the same logic as why dogs guard their territories fiercely.

I live a dog's life. And my day comes very often. All a dog needs is a bone. And I don't mind making a few extra bucks doing Full Montys for the Hens having a night out.

Party animals live by the wild rules of the jungle.

I wouldn't say I cheat, I'm just commitment-phobic and high on life. I'm just there for the ride.

Besides, it's not like I promise them a happily-everafter ending. I've always been nice to her friends because I know that they are just waiting for the day I break up with her and soon enough, my web gets more Mary Janes than Spidey's ever found hanging upside down.

With all my lunches and dinners being taken care off, all I spend on is my bike and gym subscription. My roomie sorely misses me because I've not gone home in days. That's also the reason I don't get a chance to shampoo my hair.

Oh that reminds me, I got to get home to my roomie so that she can give me a Thai massage. But the real reason is I need to check if she's washed my clothes.

Like chick flicks have demonstrated, it pays to be a bad boy. By the way, change your receptionist dude. I'm getting bored of her. Or let me make this easier for you, I'll get myself a new shrink who lives next street.

Apparently, she's 24 and has a young clientele. Heard she likes cats and dogs. Time to get a new pet. Will call her Tarantula. If she's younger, I think even a simple Pussy-Cat would do.

After all, the new saying goes: When bad girls go through hell, bad boys find heaven.

Episode 27: Why men like chick flicks

2006-10-11T12:13:00.000-07:00

He says:

It is a big myth that chick-flicks are for girls.

Men dig the genre too. But for different reasons.

But before we get into that, what is a chick-flick really about?

There's always this goofball, simple girl-next-door every girl can relate to. She's down on luck because the guy who holds the torch for her is the original fruitcake, and the guy she likes happens to be the wrong guy.

She, post makeover, transforms into the hottest thing on heels and before you know it, she nails her man and after some minor misunderstanding where she catches him with another girl and takes off sobbing, he pleads with her, goes down on his knees and locks lips for a `happily ever after' ending.

So why do the guys like these movies that show guys doing the most wuss things? Simply because, they watch these flicks for the chicks.

The girl always has a scene or two where she's at her hottest best. Watch The Sweetest Thing and you'll know what I mean. That one scene alone is more value for time than what they show after minutes of waiting patiently surfing FTV shows.

Besides, the things a girl wants from a guy and plausibility of the romance cracks him up.

Also, chick flicks are easy on the bad guy.

In a chick flick, you can be however bad you want, be with how-many-ever girls you want, be a total jerk too, and you can just say sorry with a long speech going down on your knees and be sure as hell that she'll forgive you.

With that sort of moral encouragement, sex appeal, and of course, the unintended comic relief generated out of the mush and corn soup, chick flicks make for great entertainment.

But the biggest reason men tolerate these films is because they are perfect for the date. What better time for romance than when she is, Ahem Ahem, in the mood for love?

After all, romance comes alive when it's dark.

Post Script: What do guys without dates do? They head out alone to the halls playing movies like Ek Se Mera Kya Hoga.

Psst: Do check the paper for exact show timings.

She says:

It's a big myth that chick flicks are for girls.

After all, who wants to identify with some loser babe who never seems to wash her hair and is perpetually slobbering over a jock with great abs and a rotten attitude.

If you believe these movies, all women can be neatly divided into two categories: geeks and bimbos. Because, if you're svelte and sassy, you can't possibly be capable of reading a book — unless it deals with the art of eye shadow — or even adding up your shoe shopping bill without help.

If you're a geek, you just have to display braces decorated with yesterday's lunch and be incapable of wearing a pair of high heels without tripping over your own feet and landing unglamorously on your dowdy behind.

For heaven's sake, they're just high heels, and walking a straight line is hardly brain surgery.

Chick flicks assume women have no powers of judgment whosoever. Show us a hunky man in a leather jacket, and even if he's a convicted mass murderer, we'll dissolve into wimpy, lace-handkerchief wielding Mills and Boon heroines, according to them. And when they cheat on us — and being hunky and leather jacket clad, they must cheat — all it takes is a sad song, or a bouquet of roses to have us jumping up and down like bunny rabbits spotting carrot cake.

Smart women realise that chick-flicks are ridiculous. They also realise that the original fruitcake in huge glasses is the same guy who'll probably pass out of MIT and run a fancy corporation.

Chick-flicks are really for guys, so I agree with him there. But it's not just for the scenes when the loser girl dramatically manages to shed pounds, her glasses and voluminous clothes to become her `hottest best.' (Let's not even go into how shallow these storylines are!) But also because they let all the dumb jocks believe their fondest dreams can come true.

That there'll come a time when all girls will look like Cameron Diaz. When mini-skirts will be the only way to dress. And all it will take to `get the girl' is a soppy love poem read with the expression of a puppy that has just misplaced its chewy bone.

Go ahead, fill up on your two hours of cotton candy and popcorn soaked euphoria. Just remember, real life is nothing like the movies. And Bridget Jones — far from being the role model for millions of single women world over — was just a girl who ate and smoked too much.

(A fortnightly column on the battle of the sexes)

Episode 26: Who wears the pants?

2006-08-24T12:58:00.000-07:00

He says:

What makes for a healthy relationship?

Democracy or dictatorship?

And before you say democracy, you could consider that since there are only two people in a relationship, democracy means anarchy.

Yes, maybe anarchy isn't really a bad thing. For years, relationships have been run and governed by dictatorship. It's very unfortunate indeed.

It is very unfortunate that woman has been boss all these years and man was just relegated to the blue-collar jobs: hunting, running around, fetching food and being watch-dog protector of family.

The woman for years has pretended to be the slave when she has actually been running the show: she made sure men fought wars for her, she got the Taj Mahal built, she made sure many men died for the sake of love. And all the while she stayed indoors without any pressures of having to go and fetch bread, butter or newspaper.

Roles were well defined and divorce rates were almost non-existent. The phrase marital discord had not yet been invented.

Today, when man is trying to take control of relationships and the woman is all dressed up for the kill in the corporate world, the home territory is left unguarded, vulnerable to outside threats.

Modern day society has seen divorce rates go up. Suddenly, dysfunctional families find their way into the vocabulary of society and crisis management experts, like lawyers, relationship counsellors and psychiatrists, find that their workload is going along that one-way street called Up.

Clearly, the change in age-old household management conventions and practices has upset the balance between the sexes. In this age of coalition governments, man and woman must sit together and find that line that separates democracy from anarchy.

Duties and responsibilities must be worked out according to strengths and weaknesses of their personalities rather than gender. And, man should be given that opportunity to stay at home and run the show. The wretched women have been doing it too long.

She says:

Political jargon aside, this is about just one issue (and pardon me for using this deplorable phrase) — it's about who `wears the pants' in a relationship.

Now the mind of a man sees just black and white, so I suppose it's just natural for a man to presume that every relationship has one leader and one meek, subjugated dish-washing, dog-walking follower.

And, regardless of what He Says, it's an established fact that a `man is the master of his house.' And while the male of the species has always been loopy enough to get cross-eyed and silly with love — remember the morons who waged wars motivated by little besides a nice nose — when it came right down to it, even poor Helen of Troy probably had to keep house, and make sure her dozen maids kept everything tidy so the love of her life could trudge across the kitchen in dirty boots, probably making annoyingly long declarations of passion all the while.

Think buying butter is exhausting? Well, you're welcome to switch places with the woman who dusts, cooks, washes, cleans and raises your children while you sit in a plush office and ring for your secretary to bring you coffee.

But here's the catch, all you big-talking, muscle-flexing men. The truth is you're not really in charge, you never have been.

Because — luckily for us — women are masters of subtle power games. Games you don't even know you're involved in, you poor misguided puppet. For women realised long ago that all a man needs is the illusion that he's in charge.

And that's easy enough to pull off. A smart woman seats her man at the head of the table, and makes him a cup pf tea. Then, she makes all big decisions herself, and pretends it's his idea. He's too busy swaggering to contradict her anyway.

Cook a man a couple of meals, and you can twist them around your little finger. After all, as every intelligent woman knows, men are easier to train than puppies. It's not democracy. It's not anarchy. But it works just great. For us.

(A fortnightly column on the battle of the sexes)

Episode 25: Dance like a man

2006-08-24T12:56:00.000-07:00

She says:

I'm so tempted to sharpen my stilettos.

I recently started learning the salsa. A breathtakingly beautiful dance form set to addictive Latin music, it is great fun to learn, once you get your mambo in place. Except for one thing. It's a man's dance.

My bright-eyed chirpy instructor — Salsa Boy — just loves the fact. Every ten minutes, he stops class to bellow, "Girls, follow your man, because... " And every single man in class (including the ones with two dangerously left feet) stop treading on our toes to proudly holler, "It's a man's dance." Sometimes, they thump their chests too. Which makes it kind of difficult to do the required high speed twirls. There are also exercises to keep us in place. One particularly unflattering one dictates that the women act like rag dolls, while their partners push and pull them across the floor. While, of course, Salsa Boy and co yell, "Because it's a man's dance."

Thump. Thump.

At which my bratty teenage partner smirks, "Follow me. Coz I'm the MAN."

I've tried pulling rank on him, telling him I'm older and thus wiser, but apparently belonging to the big-headed, big-footed gender makes him King.

Salsa Boy even walks around with a wooden ruler to make sure no woman sneakily tries to call the shots. Yes, I've been whacked across my knuckles, but what's a woman to do?

Sometimes, men just can't keep up. We've made it quite clear that we will not dance to a man's tunes in the outside world. Why do we still have to do so on the dance floor?

Some quick research reveals it's not just the Latin Americans who were all about `all hail the male.' Jive is a man's dance. So is ballroom dancing. And Wikipedia tells me there's something called the `Gourd Dance' performed by some Native American nations, which is "primarily a man's dance." (Sounds familiar?) Apparently "women participate by dancing in place behind their male counterparts"

Sheesh!

Clearly, it's time we storm another bastion. After all, twirls aren't just for girls.

He says

To the best of my knowledge, barring Kathakali (where men play women too) and the traditional dead body dance (the dance the drunk do on the street during funeral processions in this part of the world, to the native beat of `dandanaka'), most of the other Indian dances have been the bastion of women from the days and nights of Umrao Jaan. I mean, who would today believe that Bharatanatyam was actually something born out of a holy old man called Bharata Muni inspired by Lord Brahma? And the Tandav was supposed to be Lord Shiva's stress buster. But that was so long ago.

Today, traditional Indian women have completely taken over most dance forms performed on stage. And the modern Indian women have taken over MTV and those Punjabi music videos on `Balle Balle'. One look at Yana Gupta in "Babuji Zara Dheere Chalo" or Aishwarya in "Kajra Re", and you know who calls the shots in the Indian form: the item girl, of course. Yet, she looks West as far as Latin America, and even pays to learn and follow a man's footsteps.

I bet she has not heard of techniques like hijacking and backleading that help show off dance skills and steal the lead from the man. (Chuckle, chuckle)

Dance is either ritualistic (social dance) or for concert (performance). Each dance form has an objective. While concert dances such as Kathakali and Yakshagana tell stories, Bharatanatyam interprets stories and presents them in a lucid form, the social dances like Kummi and Koothu are used to express joy or sorrow. Salsa is a social dance that involves one lifting the other. It showcases chemistry between man and woman.

Hence, if you notice most couples who do the salsa, you will find that men are usually heavier and taller than the women.

So it would be unfair to ask the lady to lift you, unless your partner is Karnam Malleswari.

Besides, how many women like someone who follows? Women find leaders attractive, they always go for someone they can look up to. And, as I read somewhere, it's not about command and obey. It's about a partnership between two people who are equal but different. Just like bad workers blame the tools, some dancers just blame the rules.

(A fortnightly column on the battle of the sexes)

Episode 24: Dating and your date of birth

2006-08-24T12:54:00.000-07:00

He says:

Why do you think that it is almost a norm that men date women younger than them? Because unlike men, who mature if at all, do it slow and steady, women mature early and grow up. "The older they get, the more messed up they become," says a friend.

Most girls have their first relationship much earlier than boys have theirs (that's again because boys date girls younger than them). So while they start off believing in true love, they get jaded and turn cynical and disillusioned pretty soon, most of them finding it hard to let go of their excess baggage.

Boys learn the ropes; take their own time to figure out how relationships work. Every relationship gives them new strength and encouragement. At the end of the fifth one, they know what lines work and what don't. At the end of the tenth, they know how to make the girl pay on dates. At the end of the twentieth, they have mastered the art of making the girl dump them, so that they don't have to bear the burden of guilt and the mantle of being the "bad guy". Therefore, they travel light. The most they need is a hanky to pick up a wreck.

So women, after five relationships, are sick of mushy lines. After ten, they lose faith. After twenty... come on, how often do you hear girls have 20 relationships?

Due to their differing behaviour and attitudes towards relationships, older guys can only date a younger woman. Because what a guy needs is a believer and not a cynic. Which is why most men roam around with puppy dog looks and women have to contend with being labelled the female of the species.

Woof!

She says:

As much as I hate to burst his bubble, I have simply got to point this out. Women don't date older men because they are "sick of mushy lines." When was the last time you saw a nubile 20 something being flaunted on the red carpet by a bespectacled, toothless eighty-year-old, and thought "Ah, she must be tired of mushy lines!"

It's not too difficult to figure out why he's going out with her. As an accessory, she makes a much better impact than his walking stick, for starters. And, I suppose — for a while at least — she'll make him feel young again. Until the punishing schedule of dragging his arthritic limbs onto the dance floor every other day begins to get to him. And his therapist.

On her part, it's probably interesting to date an older man.

He will take her to an exotic restaurant, and order champagne. While a boy her age will take her to greasy dive and order Coke, which he will probably try to spurt out of his nose for entertainment. An older man will impress her by talking about world politics, while the Boy will attempt to do the same by arm wrestling with the waiter. And, yes, the older will deal with excess baggage much more gracefully, making peace with ex-girl friends and wives. While the Boy will seriously consider throwing rotten eggs at an ex-girlfriend's car, to `get even'.

Maybe, one day, the older man will discover he can't keep up and needs to be tucked up with his hot water bottle around the same time she gets started clubbing. And she'll realise she can't be seen with a man who dances like the Bee Gees, and thinks the salsa is some kind of condiment.

Or maybe not.

Fortunately there are no absolutes in life. Younger women will date older men. Older women will date younger men. People who are exactly the same age will fall madly in love with each other.

In the end, after all, age is just a number.

(A fortnightly column on the battle of the sexes)

Episode 23: Where have all the cowboys gone?

2006-08-24T12:51:00.000-07:00

She says:

Where have all the cowboys gone?

The `macho' man seems to be slowly becoming extinct, as cities get overrun with over-hyped, overdressed metrosexuals. (A clotheshorse wrapped around a dandy fused with a narcissist: Wordspy.) There's no point blaming David Beckham, the man with painted nails and ponytails. The fact is that it's becoming increasingly difficult to tell the men from the girls.

I was at a pub with a big gang of friends watching football recently and, in between goals, two guys intensely discussed hair straightening, swapping tips on techniques and stylists. Men strut in and out of beauty parlours, getting pedicures and facials done. They colour, perm, straighten, twist and tease their hair, probably pouting prettily in front of the mirror all the while. At gyms, they narcissistically work on every part of their body, toning here and shaping there. Muddy sports are out, unless they're being watched on a flat screen television, accompanied by butter-free popcorn and low fat white wine.

And don't even get me started on their diet. Chocolate chip cookies are a fate worse than cellulose. I actually know a man who called for the chef and made him list out ingredients in a low fat milkshake, adding up the calories till he went white and so weak that he had to be revived with a spray of Evian from his `man bag.'

I even have a friend who follows fashion with such a passion he actually made his cousin go back inside and get out of her platform sandals because he was horrified at the thought of being seen with a woman wearing last season's shoes.

And talking of fashion, what's with them masquerading about in all our colours? Pinks, bright greens and aquamarine. Whatever happened to the time when men didn't even know what `aquamarine' meant? What next? Pink lace-trimmed folders at the office? Leave granted by the office for bad hair days? Having to knock out women who whistle at your boyfriend?

From the looks of it, soon country crooner Paula Cole won't be the only one singing, "Where is my John Wayne? Where is my Marlboro man? Where is my lonely ranger? Where is my happy ending?"

He says:

Maybe women hang out with gay men because they feel safe. Maybe that's why they believe that cowboys do not exist. But wait, going by Brokeback Mountain, maybe even the cowboys were never straight.

Cowboy: A hired man, especially in the western United States, who tends cattle and performs many of his duties on horseback. (Dictionary.com)

Firstly, we do not live in the western United States. Our cowboys have always worn pink and yellow. Ask the cows about a certain Mr. Ramarajan.

The Marlboro man found himself dead and left behind a valuable lesson: Cigarette smoking is injurious to health. Man, being the more intelligent of the species, decided that smoking did not make him macho.

Macho: Used of men; markedly masculine in appearance or manner.

(Dictionary.com)

Men have not started getting silicon implants (transvestites excluded), but maybe they are grooming themselves a little more seriously. But then, so have women. Just because they did it first does not mean that they can patent the hairless body as `feminine.'

Because, going by the same logic, many women are tomboys. They wear shirts and pants, some of them smoke, drink beer and some, even womanise.

Yes, what is wrong with keeping track of fashion? Maybe once upon a time, denims, hats and biker beards used to be fashionable, now it's all about whatever makes you look good. Which also determines what men eat.

That's exactly what her problem is: Men look so good these days that she has too much competition to snag him over. Add jealousy to that insecurity and you find a woman wishing for a man who is his simple basic self. You get Paula Cole.

Besides, if hairy men in faded jeans and duller chappals are what you are looking for, maybe you should get out of the `effeminate' circuit and check out the boys at the bus stop. The good old macho man is still alive if you care to look beyond Page 3-types. He still burps, scratches, smells, smokes, drinks and does all those disgusting macho things you hate about him.

Think again. You're safer with wuss company. What are you complaining about?

(A fortnightly column on the battle of the sexes)

Episode 22: Why she won't introduce her friends

2006-08-24T12:47:00.000-07:00

He says:

Noticed how women you date don't always introduce you to their friends? Certainly, not in the first few weeks. More so when the friends are pretty.

It's a strange divide-and-rule policy born out of insecurity. Having common friends means her friends will always get two versions of any incident — her version and the truth (Your version, dummy). So why would she want to put herself in a spot?

When she is still dating you, she will have to answer questions like: "What did you guys do?" "Can he drop me home?" "Why don't you bring him along to the party?" and of course, then they have to deal with comments about you: "Oh, he's so cute." "He does the sweetest things. Wish my boyfriend did that for me." "He smells so good."

The first thing you need to know about women is that they are jealous of each other. Haven't you seen how they check out what other women are wearing at the party or even if it's just the coffee shop. Though they might shower each other with compliments, both women know what the other is really thinking. If that applies for clothes, you could imagine how much more they would be jealous about boyfriends. They are paranoid about the friend stealing the boyfriend, a possibility born only by the death of trust in the relationship.

Besides, if at all she stops dating you, then she has to explain and blame it on you. It is rather difficult to paint you as the bad guy if the friend also knows you well.

And imagine the possibility of her friend continuing to be friends with you.

Given the already established premise that women are jealous creatures, it will cause her immense pain and heartburn if you start dating the friend.

Not only will that be her worst nightmare come true, it will also mean she loses her friend and that might endanger friendships within their circle.

Men have no such qualms. They know there are 1.3 trillion fish in the ocean. They are just looking for one. On their plate.

P.S: Sorry Nemo.

She says:

Sit down. Think carefully. Remember Standard II Geography? What did your textbooks say? Somewhere in the fog of French fries and football, this might emerge: `The earth revolves around the sun.' NOT you.

When will men realise that everything is not about them?

If a girlfriend doesn't introduce you to her friends it's not because she stares at the mirror in anguish every morning, wondering which one you'll pick over her. No woman's going to date a man with a mind like a fish, anyway. (Sorry Nemo.)

Because if you're going to change your mind every time you take a turn around the pond, you're better off dating your computer. Maybe you can find a virtual girl, who'll change her hair colour every week and introduce you to all her virtual friends.

Women don't skip introductions because they're insecure. Yes. Of course we check out other women in the room and their arm candy, but that's more out of curiosity than anything else. While stealing a friend's boyfriend might not be too difficult (following the `Men are like sheep' theory) it's really bad manners. And it also smacks of desperation. Besides, who wants to be seen as the wicked vamp (usually plagued with a bad stylist and hideously bright lipstick) anyway?

And trust me, women definitely don't keep their boyfriends hidden because they're afraid their friends will inflate their nostrils, sniff the air like Dobermans and collapse in a pool of mush cooing "Ooh. He smells so good!" After which, I suppose you men presume, they'll fall upon you with cries of joy like a pack of wolves.

The truth is, maybe you weren't introduced because she was too busy to get her friends together to meet you. Or maybe she's ashamed of you. (Still walking about with lunch on your tie?). Or maybe you're just the flavour of the month, and she doesn't want to bother with an introduction that'll be longer than your relationship.

But more likely than not, it's probably because she wants to get to know you better before she lets you into her circle of trust. And that's reasonable enough, isn't it?

(A fortnightly column on the battle of the sexes)

Episode 21: Looks like the topic wont go away

2006-08-24T12:39:00.000-07:00

She says:

I was recently knocking back cappuccinos and biscotti with a couple of male friends when the subject of 'who's hot and who's not' came up — as it inevitably does in any male-dominated conversation lasting more than five minutes.

Why do men worry constantly about the number of 'good-looking' women they know, counting and recounting them on their fingers and toes, as if some woman-famine is on its way? And this is regardless of whether they are married, dating, single or desperate.

If you tell a guy that a female friend is coming to town, he will react like a puppy at mealtime: his eyes brighten, ears perk up and an idiotic dreamy expression takes over his face. "So, what does she look like? Pretty?"

That's always the first question. It's quite incredible actually, you could be talking to a Siberian Eskimo and telling him your new dog sled trainer is on her way, and he'd mutter through frostbitten lips, "Is she pretty?" Or maybe you tell your hippie friend that you found a new artists who paints scarves, and he'll say, "Dude, is she, like, a looker?"

Your friend could be a NASA scientist, or an uber-cool tribal artist. She could be a fascinating writer/ stand-up comedian/ hypnotist/ scuba diver, but if her braces aren't off, or her nose is one inch past regulation point, none of the guys really want to meet her. Because, let's face it, almost all men are 'looksist.' (i.e. A condition where you discriminate between people on the basis of how they look.)

They want to date conventionally beautiful women, so that other men envy them. They also want to hang out with good looking women, so — well — other men envy them.

So, when I ignored the question, and just said "she's really nice," both of them immediately guffawed, "so she looks like the backyard of a bus, huh?'' And that's another man thing. You either have to be pretty, or nice. You can never be both, if you're female.

Women, on the other hand, don't really look for good lookers. Yes, they're probably fussy about the men they date, but when it comes to male friends, women don't care how they look as long as they're fun to be with. In fact they prefer low-maintenance rugged men. After all, who wants to share their hair gel and lip salve all the time?

He says:

Right at the beginning of the series, in the second episode, I had said: "Would you like to be seen kissing someone toad ugly? Yes? My number is...."

It's been over 36 weeks, my phone hasn't rung yet.

I had also said that men find most women hot, whether they are dark (Halle Berry), not all that well-toned (Shakeela), not conventionally beautiful (Mallika Sherawat), short (Rani Mukherjee) and even if they are not skimpily clad (Nandita Das) and their definitions of what's hot are pretty broad and all-accommodating.

Now think about all the words women say while describing the prototypes they want to meet: "Perfect Gentleman," "Tall, Dark, Handsome," "Prince Charming," "Mr.Right".

Gentleman = Some guy who's nice to them, plays with pups, wears a Raymonds suit, picks them up, opens doors, takes them for expensive dinners, opens doors and even pays. Very simple needs.

Tall, Dark, Handsome = Women don't go for looks indeed. Tall, Dark, Handsome is the description of his inner beauty, Shallow Hal style, no?

Prince Charming = Yes, royalty is incidental. And charm too. That's why Snow White didn't pick one of the seven dwarfs to fall in love with and just waited for someone appropriate to show up to kiss her.

Mr.Right = Who could be some guy-next-door who's just flunked another paper and stalks the girl he loves, right? He's the guy who is always right when she's wrong, of course.

Yes, there are also those simple women who settle for the regular, intelligent, witty guy with a sense of humour. Such men are so common-place after all.

Now, if you are a woman, put yourself into his shoes.

Are you going to hope meeting someone new with a big shopping list and checkboxes that go: Pretty, Witty, Intelligent, Sense of Humour, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Princess Fiona?

No you don't.

You simply decide that most women are hot at some level or the other or at least assume so, because it makes you happy to believe you are going to meet someone pleasant, irrespective of whether you ever get to date them or not.

Men being the simple guys they are, just ask the same simple question before meeting any girl also because he wants to know what one girl thinks of the other.

Irrespective of her answer, he would anyway go ahead and make his moves if she gives him enough attention.

If she's not his types, he'll just wait for the next friend to arrive.

Men, live in hope, but on Planet Earth. Women live in Wonderland and in trashy romance novels.
Also, why invent a new word when you can simply say men are lookers? He he!

Episode 20: Who's more funny?

2006-05-15T12:08:00.000-07:00

He says:

A friend had this theory. He said men are funnier than women. They have this knack of making people around them happy. And not in the gay sense of the word.

Yes, we are NOT talking about the four men in the car who were feeling Happy until Happy got up and ran away. He he!

See, see... you say He He, not She She!

What I'm trying to say here through these really sad jokes is that men don't mind playing the fool. They don't mind being called the clown.

So my friend said: "Think of one person who makes you laugh the most." I did. "Now, was that a girl?" he asked. And No, it wasn't. I must admit here that I do have a few women friends who make me laugh. But only because some of them, like 'She', often are victims of the practical jokes.

I play on them and some others, because they do not know they are funny in a bumbling-goofy sort of way. But no woman is as funny as any guy can be. Being funny is a guy thing. That's because men have a bolder sense of humour. They are more adventurous in going for the jokes. They can be quite irreverent.

Like Cyrus Broacha once said (like he would remember even if he did): The reason you find me funny is because I try hard. If I try 100 lines in an hour and you laugh at least 10 times, you find me funny. How will you be funny if you don't even try?

That's the problem with women. They like to play it safe. Yes, She would like to believe women are sophisticated and classy. But there is a difference between being witty and being funny. We're talking about the funny here. Let me now demonstrate that women cannot be funny and can make you laugh quite unwittingly.

Read the following.

She says:

And that's precisely the problem with men. Their dreadfully juvenile form of slapstick haw-haw humour. (No one says 'hee hee' unless they've just had all their teeth knocked out.)

Want a classic example of male humour? My 'funny' co-writer slunk off with my cell phone at a recent party, and text messaged a random collection of people, including official contacts, saying "I think I'm falling in love with you." Now, about one dozen men are convinced I secretly carry the torch for them, and I'm getting exceedingly strange looks wherever I go. The last time he hijacked my phone, he messaged 'Burp!' to half my contact list. Think that's funny? You must be male.

Hit yourself on top of your head with this newspaper for me, please.

Groan. Why must all men be boys?

The difference between men and women, when it comes to a sense of humour, is the fact that women are far more grown up. I know a number of really interesting women, who are simply hilarious when they start telling stories — a number of which, by the way, are centred around men and the ridiculous things they do.

Because, women are funny in an intelligent sort of way.

And it's not always bookish humour. I went to a girls' boarding school where an average prank took at least half an hour of careful planning, whether it was the creation of a bewildering 'apple pie bed', which included zanily folded sheets to confuse the victim, or midnight feast replete with talented mimicry. The equivalent at the boys' schools was grabbing a junior and flushing his head in the toilet.

And that's the difference between men and women, when it comes to humour: women are funny because you laugh with them.

Men are funny, because — well — just look at them.

Episode 19: Why are women so choosy about friends?

2006-05-11T02:38:00.000-07:00

He says:
Ever noticed how women are choosy about friends?

Men just about bond with anybody and everybody. Men and women. Women are picky. Men do not stay away from women who aren't that attractive or smart. Women are snooty.

Men do not assume that every girl who talks to them is hitting on them. Women can be so vain.
Men don't see why they need a reason to be friends. Women need a reason.

They need to either find the guy intelligent or attractive or entertaining or helpful and caring and sensitive and all that you find the shopping for in matrimonial profiles and dating lists.

Isn't it rather strange that most women try to find reasons to be friends after you break up with them? Of course, it is difficult for two people who loved each other to be friends even if one of them still loves the other. But once they've broken up or decided against a relationship, it's probably because they don't really love each other any more, or, at least one of them doesn't love the other enough for the relationship to survive, and hence, it becomes a pointless one-sided exercise which one must get over before they can be friends.

But the point here is, once you are over it, it doesn't take much to be friends. Unlike a relationship which requires people to share lives, time and space, friendship comes with no strings attached.

A friend wouldn't even care if you don't call him for a week. He knows you care even if you call him after two months. Because, for a man, being a friend is as simple as simply being there. Unconditionally.

Men are willing to be friends all the time. With anyone and everyone.

Can a woman dare say the same?

She says:

Dare? We wouldn't dream of it. Of course we're snooty about our friends. We have every right to be.

Friendships between women are very different from friendships between men. The most intense conversation I've seen between two men involved a certain scene from Star Wars.
Most of the time male bonding involves the sports channel, chips and beer. Guys rarely have deep meaningful relationships with each other.

Heck. Guys barely have conversations with each other — unless you count grunts and glugs as conversation.

Which probably explains why men need a 'boys night out' only once a month or so. Why telephone conversations between men rarely last more than five minutes. And why men always, and I mean always, want female company — whether it's in the form of girlfriends or just girl buddies — no matter where they are.

Try looking for a straight man who will willingly go to an all male party and you'll be circling the globe forever.

Women, on the other hand, love Girls Nights. And this is regardless of whether they're pig-tailed horrors in flannel pyjamas encrusted with chocolate at a pyjama party; perfectly turned out, cocktail drinking hipsters at a nightclub, or dignified greying friends gathered around a card table sharing gossip and Darjeeling tea.

Because women truly enjoy each other's company.

We do things together, whether it's going for group beauty parlour binges or shoe shopping sprees. We make sincere efforts to keep in touch, even if it involves trans-Atlantic phone calls or taking a train, bus and autorickshaw to share a pot of tea. And we depend on each other, being supportive though break-ups and bad hair days.

Which is precisely why we're picky about who we count among our friends. Because we need to have people we can count on. Not just go fishing with.

Episode 18: Why would she want to be picked-up?

2006-04-06T01:24:00.000-07:00

She says:

I clicked open my gmail inbox, and almost fell off my chair. There it was, boldly printed across the page. "If I were stranded on a desert island, I wouldn't need three things - I'd just take you," from some guy I didn't even know.

And I thought Austin Powers was the only person with enough chutzpah to use pickup lines in this day and age!

A pickup line (and this is to all you squares who've never feverishly browsed the net, or taken down lines from movies to impress a girl) is an outrageous icebreaker, used by some smooth operators. And many, many complete klutzes.

But, no matter how witty or pathetic they are, they always achieve one thing. They give women a really good laugh.

And sometimes, that's the best icebreaker you can possibly have.

After all, most of the best lines are the funny ones. Like the guy who beams, "You know, I'm not really this tall. I'm just sitting on my wallet." Or a simpler, "Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?" Besides, who can resist someone who saunters over and says, "You see my friend over there? (Pointing to friend who sheepishly waves from afar.) He wants to know if you think I'm cute."

Well, provided he's cute.

Because a pickup line is a conversation starter and is therefore only as useful as the conversation that follows it. So if you're going to be a duck anyway, don't bother swaggering about with just one line in your head.

Especially if it's the Dumb And Dumber variety: "So yr a girl, huh!" or, "I'm not trying to pick you up. You're like too heavy. Huh huh huh huh. Get it?"

If you think that's bad, try being on the receiving end of lines that make you wonder how he manages to walk without melting into a mess of gooey pink slop. Like "I didn't know angels could fly so low!" Or "Your beauty makes the morning sun look like the dull glimmer of the
moon." Ew!

But even they're better than the stock, "What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?" Or even more yawn-worthy, "What's your sign?"

They might trigger a response, but - trust me - she's far more likely to remember the chap who murmured, "Was your father a thief? Because he stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes." Even if it's only in a hysterical bout of laughter.

He Says:

Yeah, right.
If pick-up lines were the only things you needed to break ice, man would have bought real estate in Antartica. And built castles the size of skyscrapers.

It's no big deal really, after all, pick-up lines (all the good ones she listed) are just a website ( http://www.linesthataregood.com has 1200 such lines) or a Google search away. Why would a girl fall for a pick-up line? Unless she wants to be picked up.

Let's face it, if women went only for men who make them laugh, Senthil, Goundamani, Loose Mohan, Johnny Lever, Vadivelu, Vivek, Crazy Mohan and Cyrus Broacha would be grinning away on a water-bed in some beach-house in Ibiza with a hundred bikini babes around them doing the MTV Grind.

So what role to lines play anyway?

They work as a mere excuse, if she's waiting to be picked up. She would laugh even if you told her that she needed a dentist appointment, instead of saying "I need an dentist appointment. I just dropped my jaw and need to fix it."

(Psst: Now, if her theory is true, for that line above, I should be having more dates than the calendar. Instead, my life is the sort of desert where even dates of the edible variety refuse to grow.)

So are there better ways to make her remember you?

Yes, of course.

Sit next to her, make sure the bartender sees you talking to her (What do you talk? Ask her what time it is and leave saying: "See you soon" ) and when she's not looking, tell the bartender she's paying and walk away. She'll find you. If she doesn't, how does it matter? You just got yourself a free drink. *grin*

Episode 17: Do the Chance Pe Dance like a Man!

2006-04-06T01:21:00.000-07:00

She says:

Macho men don't dance. But that's why they're so dumb. Because even as they skulk manfully beside the bar, looking snottily at the dance floor as they flex their muscles picking up ice cubes, some smooth operator with gel in his hair will oil in and impress all the women with his John Travolta moves.

Women adore men who dance. And who can blame them? It's a choice between standing like a wallflower besides Rambo all night, as he tries to make small talk over loud addictive music, or being swept onto the dance floor by a hunky Ricky Martin look alike, (and men with dance moves somehow always seem hunky) who then proceeds to teach you how to salsa like some groovy girl from the movies.

Yeah. You can blame it on the movies. Every girl who's ever been brought up on a balanced diet of dance movies, from John Travolta in Grease to Patrick Swayze in that all time favourite 'Dirty Dancing,' dreams of someday meeting The Man Who Dances.

However, he's as rare a species these days as The Man Who Opens Doors. And the whole problem is the fact that a large number of men think dancing is effeminate. Which, in other words means, they look like idiots on the dance floor.

Fortunately, help is at hand. Dance schools are opening up in ever city. And are they drawing people? Well, does Puff Daddy like jewellery?

Women flock to dance classes. And, as everyone knows, where women go men will follow. The smart men who learn how to dance have a never-fail opening line at parties, "Shall I teach you the Samba/Salsa/ Lambada/ to Jive?" I've seen parties where women queue up to dance with these man.

And for Rambo? Well, let's hope his ice keeps him warm.

He says:

Going by her account, there are only two kinds they notice in a disco: A Rambo or a Disco Dancer.

I won't bother taking Stallone's side because she's anyway explained why he's boring.
What I would talk about is the disco dancer: Yes, yes, the Mithun Da types. (Then what? You thought you ll find Patrick Swayze or Travolta on the dance floor? This is India, madam. Here only hero-tapori or dance master types do dance-wance on the floor.)

Actually, I CAN imagine her match step to step with the likes of Prabhu Deva, Raju Sundaram, Govinda, Mithun or Simbu, all reputed to be the best dancers around. Or occasionally, the Michael Jackson look-alikes doing the moonwalk after a couple of rounds.

Since these guys are obviously unattainable, the women settle for lesser dancers. Like that one guy on the floor who can dance, the smooth operator who has more dates than the calendar itself. What does this guy do? He entertains yet another woman who fancies her chance with him for a dance or more. Does the 'dance' when he gets a chance or more.

Before he can move over to the prettier, hotter, item number on the floor. Like she said, there's a queue to choose from.

Before he can arrive at the best of the lot, he has to be polite enough to entertain scores of other women with two left feet, bad breath, body odour, terrible sense of humour, alcoholics and the other single lonely Bridget Joness who fancy him.

While one out of these 100 get the man that evening, what happens to the other 99? They go hunting for others who can dance, wait for their turn or drink their blues away. Three drinks later, when they can't tell whether they are dancing or not, our man with the ice-cubes steps in. Now our Stallone has a choice: 99 desperate women!

Come on guys, who would you rather be? A guy with the arms to carry her home? Or the guy mobbed by women you don't want to dance with?

Episode 16: Can a guy and girl be just friends?

2006-02-25T02:22:00.000-08:00

He says:

"No man can be friends with a woman whom he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her," said a wise man called Harry Burns when he met Sally Albright.

"Yes, that's right, they can't be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people, then they can," Harry explained.

It's been 17 years since he said that and yet women don't seem to have really got the hang of what he means. They actually believe that the guy who calls every single day and goes out of his way to help her is "so sweet" and (wants to be) just friends.

Oh! Please! Men surely have better things to do than play guardian angel. Like it's their new full-time job or mission statement for life.

Now, let's consider for a minute the profile of these guys who do that.

a. He is single. Obviously, otherwise, he would be running around to get his own girl to like him.

b. He is not her type. Because, if he was, she would have seen through his desperate attempts to woo her.

c. He has friends who believe, or in some cases, KNOW that he likes her more than a friend.

d. He does not have another girl that he finds attractive as a friend. Because if he did, he would be doing that for her too.

e. He is the initiator... the guy who takes the effort to make conversation, at least most of the time.

Is that some sort of a co-incidence now that they somehow meet all those traits?

Fat chance. The truth is women like the attention they get, they don't want to say `No' to it or confront him because they don't want to lose the benefits. Besides, till the guy has said it, you can always just be "friends".

It is high time these do-gooder gentlemen woke up to see that if she hasn't seen his love in all that he has done for her, she's probably blind. Or plain dumb.

She says:

And men, of course, are assuming that women are really taken in by the `let's be friends' gag?

`Friendship,' my poor misguided young male puppets, is sometimes just a convenient way for women to make cow-eyes at you over canteen Cokes, or three course dinners. You might think you have the upper hand, but you're just being checked out to see if you are date worthy.

Because when a women is `just friends' with a guy, she gets a sneak peek at how he really thinks, behaves and relates to other people. (Pssst. A word of advice. Act snotty with the waiter and you're out in the cold.)

More important, being able to say, "we're just good friends, ya" lets you off the hook, when nosy friends start prodding you for details, and your mother begins to plan a June wedding in her head.

In fact, Indian ingenuity has come up with an even better way of concealing a relationship that's too young and unsteady to announce. The "He's like my brother," and `She's like my sister' story makes it so easy for all those totally unrelated siblings to watch sunsets hand-in-hand with nobody getting suspicious and tracing family trees. But, please remember, it doesn't work this way with everybody. Of course, men and women can be friends. Otherwise, imagine what a warped world this would be.

Men need their women friends. For one, men have terrible taste when it comes to picking out clothes or solitaires for their girlfriends, and can always do with some female guidance. Besides, female company keeps men civilised. Look at what happened in William Golding's "Lord Of the Flies", where a bunch of boys abandoned on an island began to eat each other!

And yes, women need their male friends too. They give us a man's perspective on life, making it easier to understand boyfriends. They are generally completely chilled out, which makes them easy to hang out with. And they're useful at times when you need someone to carry your shopping, help you move furniture into a new house, or get rid of an over zealous admirer.

Boyfriends are nice to have around, but guy friends are essential.

Episode 15: Who's more commitment-phobic?

2006-02-25T02:12:00.001-08:00

He says:

Who's scared of commitment?

Women. At least, initially.

And, only after women get over that phobia do men catch it.

Because, being all heart, men like to dive head over heels into romance. They love the courting period. The honeymoon phase when she dresses up for him gives him his space and does not ask too many questions. In fact, she doesn't want to label it anything.

It can't get any rosier than this with an unlimited supply of love, no strings attached.

You ditch your buddies to spend time with the girl and suddenly, you're not one of the losers at the bar. The girl's friends want to get to know you too and before you know it, you're a stud. You like it when she actually blushes when her friends talk about you to her. You are always at your best because you're trying to make her fall in love with you everyday. It's easily the best phase of romance because it is unconditional love.

Fast forward: A few months later.

She stops dressing up, wants to know where you are every time she calls and why you didn't take her call in the middle of the night, while you were sleeping. She thinks getting a gift from you is too routine and soon enough, you realise the futility of pampering her. You are taken for granted.

Her life completely starts revolving around yours. She loses touch with her friends because they are busy trying to keep their respective boyfriends on a leash. So much so that now you have to ditch her if you want to spend an evening with friends and if you don't, you become a hen-pecked loser.

A serious relationship mostly spells the death of freedom for men. Maybe that's why they turn commitment-phobic.

For the same reasons no one wants to go to prison.

She says:

The thing is men are a little like cell phones.

As soon as you settle for the best looking model in the market, a nicer one comes along. It even has many more features than your old model. And before you know it, you're thinking of trading it/him in. Especially when the old one starts to malfunction (i.e. It stops bringing you flowers and starts walking around in sloppy old T-shirts).

No wonder commitment is so difficult. For women.

Which makes you wonder why every other man you know seems to be whining about how his girlfriend is getting obsessive.

Take a case study. An average man will walk around for weeks with a face as long as a horse, begging for an introduction to some girl he's probably just heard about.

Once he meets her, he goes overboard, gushing about how wonderful she is, sending her flowers, ringing her up twenty times a day, introducing her to all his friends and insisting on meeting all her pals.

If she stays cold and aloof, that's wonderful. He'll climb every mountain, search every stream, and follow every rainbow till she gives in. But, if she's stupid enough to admit she likes him, puts his number on speed dial and starts treating him like a boyfriend, that's the end of the relationship. (Ever wondered why `playing hard to get' is every woman's favourite game?)

But just as things start working out, he's walking around with that hangdog expression again, complaining about being "tied down" and calling himself a hen pecked loser.

A guy like that's a loser all right, but it has nothing to do with the `hen'.

And it's exactly at that point his soon-to-be ex-girlfriend starts her market research again.

Something every woman is forced to keep doing till she finds The One. And, the thing is, he may not really be the richest, or the smartest, or the funniest man she's ever met.

But if he's grown up enough to realise that freedom is just a state of mind, and that he's found a relationship he's happy enough to stay in, that makes him an irreplaceable model. One that never gets outdated.

And that's something even Nokia can't top.

Episode 14: Diamonds, girl's best friends?

2006-02-25T02:05:00.000-08:00

He says:

Which girl will actually go on record and agree `Diamonds are a girl's best friend'? It's another thing that she will feel on top of the world when you get her that stone. And proverbs do not happen for no reason unless there's some universal truth attributed to it over the ages. Whether they agree or not, women do have sophisticated, exquisite (read expensive), classy taste. Some are good at concealing it, some aren't as smart.

But seriously, there is nothing wrong about it really. It's completely ok to admit you have classy, sophisticated, exquisite taste. After all, if they did not have a refined sensibility, why would they go out with men in the first place? A man, on the other hand, does not really need a diamond for a best friend. He will be equally happy if you buy him a beer or better still, if you just give it to him in any other kind. The kinder the better, actually (wink wink). Yes, it is much easier for a woman to please a man than it is for a man to please a woman. Men are happy with the simplest of things.

Whether it is a thoughtful SMS in the middle of the night or even when they are pulled up for coming late or returning her call late. They feel good to be wanted. To be loved. The smallest of gestures are enough to make him happy. The question, however, still remains as to why do men move heaven and earth to please the woman? Because, men remember that wonderful credit card campaign: One five-star dinner: 1,000 bucks. A diamond: 10,000 bucks. The smile on her face when you give that to her: Priceless.

She says:

That's a totally untrue — not to mention appalling — statement to make. Diamonds are certainly not a girl's best friend.

There's also platinum. And antique gold jewellery studded with rubies and emeralds. Oh, and we mustn't leave out designer crystal necklaces. Or... gasp... shoes. Stylish sneakers for the day. Strappy red stilettos for the night. Handbags for lunching. Evening bags for clubbing. That 12th pair of must-have pink Capris...

To reduce it to diamonds just seems so insincere.

Yeah. Yeah. I know that at this point I'm supposed to sigh endearingly and say the material world just doesn't matter. And a woman is only interested in the heart that beats under that Tommy Hilfiger shirt, not the wallet that accompanies it. Gag.

But honestly, a man who believes that probably reads Mills and Boon romances in his spare time, even as he waits patiently for a `demure rose' to flutter her eyelashes at him across a cappuccino bar someday.

The thing is every Rose, Renee and Reenaa sipping a low-fat caramel macchiato in a coffee shop is waiting too. But they're looking for the `complete man' and any old thing with a warm heart and last season's trousers just won't cut it.

That's what happens when you have sophisticated, exquisite (read expensive), classy taste. (By the way, the Bluebeards among us needn't start popping open their Moet Chandon just yet. A nice guy with a skinny bank account is still far more attractive than a shallow, mean or nasty man with a yacht.)

Sure, women are materialistic. And most men, I must admit, aren't. Give a guy a two-paragraph limerick for his birthday and he'll be thrilled to bits. Try passing that off on a woman and you won't remember what happened after her Prada handbag crashed through the roof of your skull.

The good news? Today's girls aren't really waiting for you to wrestle open your wallet and start buying solitaires. They buy their own diamonds. And platinum. And cars. (Mostly because they don't trust your taste).

You just need to stand around looking stylish and reasonably rich. Now that's not too much to ask, is it?

(A fortnightly column on the battle of the sexes.)

Episode 13: New Year Resolutions!

2006-01-10T04:57:00.000-08:00

She Says:

The clock struck twelve. The champagne popped open. The lights went out. Fireworks exploded. And then, people began to discuss their new years resolutions.

Someone talked of saving money. Someone else swore to turn vegan. Start exercising. Stop buying shoes. Start writing home. Stop getting drunk. Start helping out at an animal welfare centre. Stop complaining about work.

There's something so profoundly inspiring about the New Year at midnight.

Are women are better at keeping new year's resolutions that men?

Maybe.

Are women more likely to make New Year's resolutions? Oh yeah.
Women always work on changing the way they are. While their male counterparts dunk their faces into the party punch, they'll plan to work out and detox, start computer classes and learn driving.

If the men make resolutions they're more likely to plot for cushier circumstances: a bigger car, heftier salary, more powerful job.

Women want all these things too. But when it comes to resolutions, they tend to focus on more personal things: writing more letters to friends, spending more time with their families, keeping a cat. They also realise that resolutions aren't a wish list to Santa, and keep their goal realistic. Well, ok. Semi-realistic at least.

Now, nobody's asking you to become one of those cloyingly cheerful types that hits the sack at 7 p.m. with dabs of anti-wrinkle cream under their eyes, so they can start their yoga at 4 a.m.

But making a resolution, and not necessarily a New Year's R, is not always a bad thing. Those Mercs make their way to your garage eventually, if you work hard enough, and are smart enough.

But if you don't at least attempt to make to work on yourself, you might just be the fat guy in a sloppy T-shirt that takes delivery of the vehicle.

Alone.

He Says:

There are two ways to spend a moment.

Either spend it instantly -- fresh and live -- celebrating every ounce of the present.

Or waste it designing, planning or figuring out the future.

Men do it the first way because they don't feel the need to remind themselves to write letters to friends (when they can just call the bugger), spend time with families (duh? Isn't that what they do when they are bumming around at home, when the woman is away shopping?) or to keep a cat (for what joy?).

What are resolutions anyways but a things-to-do for the future?
What if the biggest-thing-to-do is life itself?
What if the larger resolution is just to be happy!

The resolutions men make are just more attempts at the sky and reach the tree-top. Men do aim big, you know. They are more imaginative, they do want Santa to keep his job and keep the faith alive in this growingly cynical world.

Besides, men don't wake up praying to God saying: Oh God, send me my Merc.

They wake up grinning about what they did last night and proceed to things that are right in front of them. They enjoy the present, savour it it to the fullest and live life moment-to-moment.

When one step at a time does take them places, why would they waste precious moments speculating how many steps it takes and then some more frequently comparing if they are as per schedule, in sync with earlier plans?

Yeah, it's not the destination that matters for men. Or calculating how to get there. It's the journey of taking different routes, driving different cars or just exploring the vibrant walks of life.

A fat guy in a sloppy T-shirt is a man at peace with himself. He can help himself to yet another beer without having the need to watch his paunch, eat a few more chocolates and make the buffet true value for money. And maybe some day, he would wake up for the walk to the gym.

And hey, not all those who are alone are lonely. The explorers that men are, some like to keep their baggage light.

Besides, it's more fun driving a different Merc everyday, just to go see the face of the loser -- the loser who just spent half a fortune to stick to one Merc just to drive his pampered wife to work and back, with an annoying cat in the backseat. The loser who will probably spend the rest of his life writing letters to friends.

Bound.

Episode 12: Clash over supermodels

2005-12-30T05:00:00.000-08:00

He says:

I'm tired of people saying supermodel women are dumb.

Come on, women think men, who have a sense of humour, rule. Does that mean every man with no sense of humour is a loser? I think models with great bodies rock.

They are certainly among the most intelligent women ever created. They are management gurus really.

Models really do their SWOT analysis pretty early in life. SWOT, if you are not a model or a management person, means a detailed review of your strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats.

Strengths: Their basic natural resources. What God blessed them with and what they can possibly boost up with man-made technology with a little investment? They know the short cut to success: showbiz, which has very basic eligibility criteria. Their basic intelligence tells them they can put the rest of it (the intelligence, that is) to better use, in real life projects that have to do with the actual application of beauty.
Formula one: Beauty plus attitude equals sexy.

Weaknesses: They know that whatever they do, they are going to be considered `bimbos' because they are so hot. So they decide to ignore what other women and loser-men think. And capitalise on their weakness too. They play dumb.
Because, formula two goes: beauty plus dumbness, for any man, is cute.

Opportunities: Training that does not cost as much as your management degree would. They just need a cat around and follow its footsteps. This walk comes in handy, because it not only helps you climb the corporate ladder in the long run because beauty pageants are called personality contests and winning one does make you an official authority on Mother Teresa and a messiah of social consciousness. So even after retirement as a model, the catwalk would help in climbing up the corporate escalator.
Formula three: Beauty, plus purpose and personality, means project leader/marketing head.

Threats: Other women. And THAT, they can deal with. Because, the competition is really not that much and the world, is surely, more than enough for all of them to rule.
Formula four: Beauty plus beauty, is, a joy forever.

She says:

I'm tired of people saying that supermodels are dumb.
But for completely different reasons.

I don't think women with great bodies `rock.' As for male models, they're not even tempting. Which woman wants to share her hair products and under eye creams. Or be elbowed out of her mirror-space every morning and evening. Besides, there's something distinctly eerie about a man who uses more makeup than you do.

But supermodels. You have got to hand it to them. They do a pretty good job of working on what they've got. Though, of course, only a man could say it's done with `a little investment.'

I hate to break this to you guys, but those girls on the cover of glossy magazines didn't just tumble into the photo studio straight from... um... management class. Their hair's been coloured, straightened, tinted, glossed, styled and sprayed. Their pouts are often perfected in expensive clinics. Their teeth are whitened, their noses tweaked. They have personal trainers, beauticians, masseurs, shoppers...

Not that it matters, really. It's tough work, and if it pays off, it's worth it. Otherwise, you're just a pretty girl standing in line with a whole lot of other pretty girls at some lecherous B-grade producer's office. Especially if you're not the brightest lipstick in the make-up tray, and therefore can't plot, plan and claw your way to the top. (The only way you can catwalk up a ladder is if you are actually a cat.)

Not surprisingly, real women don't hate models. So that spirited defence of them and their management skills is really quite unnecessary.

We think they're nice to look at too. And they make brilliant clothes hangers. And we'd be the first to complain if men started running around trees with each other in soggy songs and dance scenes in the movies.

But — and I think I speak for a large number of women — we wouldn't want to be them.

It's means too much hard work. And too few chocolate covered doughnuts.

Because, beauty plus beauty isn't really that much fun.

Episode 11: Women are ladies, Men are boys?

2005-12-08T22:40:00.000-08:00

He says:

Men have always been simple people with simpler needs and basic instincts. (Thought bubble: Sharon Stone cross-legged pose *slurp slurp*)

Think about it. His evolution has been about simple discoveries: fire, food, land, etc. And basic inventions: bulb, burger, computer, etc.

And how did it all happen? Because he simply refused to grow up, he always kept the kid in him alive. The kid who never stopped asking questions, the kid always up to mischief, the kid who broke rules, defied convention. The kid who believed that the only truth was that he knew little. Though they might pretend it, men always know that they do not know it all.

Which is why men exhibit child-like excitement every time they discover something. They don't lose touch with their innocence when they give in to impulse. They lie out of fear of losing what they really like. They fight for what they want and don't stop at anything.

They do not want to be in control of everything. They do not want responsibility. They like to sit back and let women mother them.

Men know that for the sake of balance and maintaining equilibrium on the planet, it's essential for them to let the heart rule. Because, women have taken sole proprietorship of using their head.

Besides, most women believe they know it all. They believe they are grown up, lady-like and take upon themselves the responsibility of raising a child as a mother or a man as his wife.

It's almost like it is their purpose in life to manage their homes, their lives, their families and take upon themselves the responsibility and reputation of being "practical" and "mature".

Women simply love to believe that they are in control of their life. They like to believe they are grown up.

So men simply let them believe so. Anything that makes her happy. Because unless she's happy, how would he get his basic needs fulfilled?

She says:

Men just don't grow up.

When they're fifteen, attaching a tin to a cat's tail is their idea of a sophisticated joke. When they're in their twenties, they are convinced that water pistols even scores in ways debates cannot. When they're in their thirties, they battle their children for play stations. Fifty? Sixty? Seventy? They still find gross sexist jokes hilarious. And at eighty, only a man will marry a twenty year old, and steadfastly believe that women are more attracted to wrinkles than yachts.

And then they wonder why women think they're juvenile.

Why do women marry and date men older than them? Because men take so much longer to mature emotionally and intellectually. Date a man who's twenty-five, and be prepared for bursts of kleptomania "because we thought it would be kind of funny if we stole that no parking sign," random fist fights "oh yeah? You think your girlfriend is prettier than mine? Eat dirt," and stupid spends, "Dude, I got, like, this totally cool new phone. Only, I can't afford to eat for about a month now."

So men invented fire? If women weren't around to make use of the flames, they would have still been sniggering and pushing each other into the coals with `childlike excitement'. "Snort, snort, now it's your turn to roast." Luckily, their wives and girlfriends realised that the big, hairy thing in the fire needed to be replaced with real food, so dinner could be made.

Makes you wonder how far civilisation would have progressed without women.

Of course men like sitting back and letting women take charge. It makes their own lives so much easier. The thing is, women don't mind taking over.

After all, women have allowed men to run the world till now. And just look at the mess their inner-children have created!

Sometimes, you just have to use your head.

Episode 10: What's "one of the guys"?

2005-12-08T22:31:00.000-08:00

She says:

If you have a sense of humour, you're one of the guys.
If you don't fall into a dead faint when you see a rat, you're one of the guys.
If you like whooping it up on Saturday night with 'the gang', you're one of the guys.

What's with this 'one of the guys' nonsense anyway? It makes you wonder whether every man's idea of the perfect girl involves visions in frilly pink who smile demurely — and that too only when there's an exciting breakthrough, like Lakme coming up with a new lipstick colour — about three times a day. (The rest of the time, they are probably expected to look wide-eyed and virtuous). Girls who swoon delicately every time a frog croaks. Whose idea of a wild party involves Earl Grey tea and cucumber sandwiches spread with low fat butter.

I don't know whether this is good news or bad, but sorry guys, women like this just don't exist. And perhaps they never did. I, for one, can't think of a single woman who's the embodiment of all those dreadfully feminine 'virtues' that all of us are supposed to possess.
Because none of the women I know bake cakes and waft on a haze of vanilla all day. They just pick up their snazzy cell phones and order them.

None of them sit picturesquely and bat their eyelashes adoringly at the men, called in to wrestle with plumbing/ laptops/ cars. When they need to get something fixed, they either call a plumber/ geek friend/ mechanic, or pull out manuals and fix it themselves.

And none of them are "gentle, compassionate, introverted, submissive and yielding" — the terms commonly used to describe feminity. Honestly, think of the women you know, and try matching them with all those adjectives. (After you stop laughing, maybe you could drink a glass of water to cure your hiccups before you return to this column.)

The bottom line is, women, like men, are are a bunch of very different people. They don't have a pack of similar virtues, and thank goodness for that. After all, where would you be without your women friends who slap you on the back and tell you not to be a wuss when you whine, and then tell you how to fix your ipod, and your life.

He says:

Yes, the lady wins this one. Hands down.
Of course she has a sense of humour to write whatever she did.
Because, the joke's really working.
The floor's sparkling clean. I'm just rolled on it laughing.

A friend of mine suggested a simple test: Make a list of different people who make you laugh. Oh, of course, there are so many women who do that.
But the point is, they don't intend to. Which is why you laugh.
Call any girl a clown and she'll frown.

Because, my friends, most women consider the word clown derogatory.
Tell a man that and he's sure to laugh and say: "Guess what? You're funny too."
She's also right when she says women don't faint when they see rats. They just become one of them. Jumpy, hiding for cover, lest the frightful monster gobbles them up. Men consider it perfectly natural for rats to co-habit their eco-system and do remember that they are right at the top of the food chain.

And what's a girl gang? Ooooh, I'm really scared now. Because, the girls are going to drink their guts out and fall over me on a Saturday night. Ha ha!
So what is this "one of the guys" thing men talk about?
Come on, you need to be among the guys to do that.

I could write a check-list of what we dream, lust and fantasise about all day and all night. But I just heard that the list would not be printable. Oh damn!

Men have simple tastes, they are colour blind, so they wouldn't even notice if it's a blue lipstick or a black one she's wearing. So whoever said they like their ladies to be dainty in pink.
Men have basic instincts, let's just say they are very very basic.

They can laugh at themselves, call themselves clowns, lech at every other woman and perfectly not feel guilty, catch a rat by its tail, get pissed drunk on a saturday night, sport a Salman Khan wardrobe every single day, hit on women shamelessly, make them laugh and be laughed at.
Now lady, if you can do this, you're one of the guys too. Else, just snigger dismissively, saying: "Boys!"

Episode 9: Women have it easy?

2005-11-10T05:01:00.000-08:00

(When I read Shonali's She Says in response to what I had written, I could see it clearly. Shonali going home making dinner, feeding the pets, sorting the laundry, helping kids with homework, clearing the table, washing dishes, organising the larder, stocking out the fridge and ironing her husband's clothes so the poor man won't be late for work the next day. And this applies even if she's not married huh? Read on to see how easily they play the "Women-make-babies-and-hence-deserve-special treatment" card with ease!)

He says:
Men have to work twice as hard. Women always have it easy.
Maybe that's how they are prone to laziness. A smile and a 'Please' get them places. A frown and a 'Sorry' gets them away with murder.
They always get lifts. They get noticed. Men find it so hard to say No' to them.

It's a rather unfair advantage. The world is turning into an evil uneven playing field where women most often get to call the shots.

Men struggle. They sweat it out, workdays, work nights, work overtime and go unnoticed. When a girl does that once, she makes sure everyone knows she worked. Soon, she's a star and is amply rewarded with a promotion.

Why?

Because, men work hard. It's not surprising to find hardworking men. So, they are taken for granted.
Because, women hardly work. And when they do, it becomes an event.
Because, women press the feminist button only when it suits them.

Otherwise, they expect you to carry their luggage, pay for food, open doors, drop them home, stand in and cover up. They make him type a fortnightly column first six out of eight times when it's rightfully his turn to write the rebuttal.

They so like to have the last word, don't they? They are lazy to the bone. I'm not kidding when I say they get away with murder. Even been in an accident spot? The woman always has the sympathy of the crowd, even when it's her fault. A man in her place would've been roughed up. Why is that guys return empty-handed from a sponsorship pitch no matter how hard they had worked? Why is it that the girl comes back with a cheque by just flashing her pearly whites? Because, gentlemen, it's a woman's world out there. And, they call us male chauvinists for speaking up! Ha!

She says:
It's shocking really. Women have it so easy, it's surprising those pitiable, underfed, over worked men don't revolt.

After all, all a woman has to do when she comes home from the office is to make dinner, feed the pets, sort the laundry, help the kids with homework, clear the table, wash dishes, organise the larder, stock out the fridge and iron her husband's clothes so the poor man won't be late for work the next day. And this happens even if they earn the same salaries.

Because, if you think about it, the opposite sex has done a rather sneaky thing.

Women fought untiringly for the right to work and earn their own money, and eventually, they got to work. But that didn't mean they won.

Because, now women help pay the rent. And they also get stuck with all the traditional 'woman's work,' including exciting things like scrubbing kadais after a day of power talks in high level board rooms. Statistics show that they earn less than men for doing the same jobs. On top of that, many constantly battle the glass ceiling, which prevents them from rising to positions of power in companies.

And then, when a woman has a baby, she either drops out of her professional life or strenuously learns how to juggle her children and career. When a man acquires a child, he opens a bottle of cognac.

As for the new age man? (The one you see in all those 'complete man' ads, dimpling over a baby and getting teary-eyed at pretty sunsets.) Well, he's sniggering into the soap suds everyday, because in exchange for virtuously pressing a couple of buttons on the washing machine to prove he helps out with housework, he's got his self-sufficient wife/ girlfriend to file the taxes, fix the computer and drive him to work in the morning.

So we get an extra scoop of ice cream in our cold coffees when we smile at Baristas. Or some sweet guy lets us cut a line when we're in a hurry. Or one of the three and a half chivalrous men left in the world offers to buy us popcorn in a crowded movie theatre so we don't get pinched black and blue by his 'friendly' compatriots.

Those are the few perks left.

Be nice. Let us enjoy them while they last. Please?

Episode 8: Women's biggest enemies: Women?

2005-10-29T05:56:00.000-07:00

He says:
Women are fascinated by other women.

If they like them, you can see them hug, kiss and indulge in passionate public display of affection that men wouldn't even dream to do to each other. They call it female bonding and its considered cute. (I wonder why don't they ever bond that way with their men friends? *Evil grin*)

If they (women) hate someone of their own sex, you can see them talk endlessly about the other, make a face at the sheer mention of the name.

Love or hate, women display it with equal passion, against each other. Let's just say women are very emotional about women.

Men on the other hand, do not feel the need to bond regularly with other men. They don't cuddle up with each other, don't promise to go shopping together, don't get angry for losing touch. You can just call up a buddy after six years and catch up exactly from where you left, with no questions asked. It's unconditional. Guys perfectly understand each other.

They forgive and forget easily. Haven't you noticed guys who had dated the same girl sit over a drink and laugh off their past?

When guys don't like guys, they probably come to blows. But they don't entertain conversation about people they don't like because they know nothing's permanent.

What do women talk about? Other women and their love lives, their clothes, their problems... All talk revolves around women. (And occasionally, about some cute guy they met.)

What do men talk about? Same as above.

Except for the talk of the cute guy.

But, apart from discussing women, men also talk about movies, music, technology, bike rides, places, games, cricket, politics, religion, current affairs, alcohol... but rarely do they discuss other men.

The point: Men do not obsess over themselves. Women do.

She says:
Women are fascinated by other women.

Well, look at the alternative.

The truth is men really aren't that interesting. Not on their own that is.

Remember school, or college. Everyone wanted to date the resident jock, not because he was exceptionally smart (hah!) or good-looking, but simply because, well, everyone wanted to date him.

It's strange but true. Men become more desirable when more women desire them.

The fact is women make men interesting.

Left to themselves, men would have no idea what to do with their days, or their lives. Think of an average bachelor pad, beer cans all over the soggy floor and used socks in the cupboards. Remember the last time you hung out at one of those stodgy men-only bars, all cigar smoke and my-bank-balance-is-bigger-than-yours conversation. Imagine a lifetime of boy's night's outs. Makes you shudder, doesn't it?

Now, women, on the other hand, don't really need men to keep themselves entertained. When women hang out with women, they really live it up — whether they're headed for a pyjama party featuring weepy movies and deluges of potato chips, or painting the town a bright pink as they tumble from pub to pub.

And when men do turn up, the girl gang becomes even more fun, as they dissect the men, and yes, the women with them (and, usually, the dreadful things they wear.)

Does a woman complain about her friends? Of course. And then, even after the worst fight, if a friend calls for help, the same woman will leave work, drive miles, pick up chocolate cake, and sit with her till she feels better.

Why do you think even men turn to their women friends when they're feeling down? Because women are not only better at expressing themselves, they're also better at empathy. Which explains why women are so vocal about their friends. And why, in spite of everything, their friends remain their friends — for life.

Episode 7: Dress code

2005-10-15T15:13:00.000-07:00

(Right in the beginning, we had decided the column isn't just gonna be about topics but also everyday issues. We had to wait till people got the hang of the column. But now that we do have a topic at hand, we did seem to agree that a University Vice Chancellor prescribing a sexist dress code banning jeans, tees and tops was ridiculous. But agreeing is against the spirit of the column. So I had to disagree... Read on!)

She Says:

Are saris more modest than jeans? Are kurtas coyer than capris?

Are women dressed in skirts actually sneaky vamps out to trick clueless young men into life of reckless lechery?

Sigh. Those poor men. If the moral police are to be believed, all they do is sit, artlessly discussing existantialism perhaps, at street corners. Then, boom. A depraved woman in (gasp) a pair of jeans and T-shirt walks past, and they have no option but to start stalking her, passing obscene comments.

Give us a break.

As any woman who's walked any street in this city knows, you will be followed. You will be whistled at. You will be commented on. And this is irrespective of whether you're wearing a tiny pair of shorts or a voluminous cotton sari. Irrespective of your age, or your looks, or your size.

That's the strange thing about this city's brand of roadside romeos: they don't spare anyone.

So anyone who thinks that dressing all the city's students in 'traditional Indian wear' will bring down the crime rate is either ridiculously optimistic, or amazingly shortsighted.

Apart from the obvious fact that karate is more likely to deter those hot-headed misguided young men than kurtas, there's another fact that authorities in question should keep in mind.

Students are rebels. They will always be.

Sari's can be made of light-as-air chiffon with blouses that are more itsy-bitsy than any self-respecting bikini. Kurtas can be sleeveless, backless and off shoulder. Churidhars today are slinker than the Oscar ballgowns.

Indian traditional wear can give western casual a run for its money anytime. Check out the woman in backless cholis at any wedding, and you'll know what I mean.

And to think people are protesting denim and T-shirts!

He says:

I agree with the Vice Chancellor.

He's absolutely right.

Let's get rid of jeans and short tight tops.

They are not part of Indian culture nor are trousers.

Neither is English nor engineering.

Hence, the learned officials, must also introduce Sanskrit or Tamil as official language and make students dress up in costumes from 'Asoka,' a dress code that conforms to Indian culture.

Considering what Kareena wore (or didn't wear), the attendance from the boys will be unprecedented.

Given that industrialisation, modernisation and subsequent globalisation is taking away from Indian culture, we need to go back to our roots and embrace agriculture.

Gandhiji said India lives in its villages, remember.

Let's do away with the evil of engineering and technology that's converting sacred rural pockets into urban centres.

Let's get rid of education, it was not part of the Indian culture.

Whatever we need to know is there in the vedas, the scriptures and also recorded by our own great great-grand-fathers.

Let's all learn to shoot with bows and arrows, walk around in loin cloth and hunt for our food.

Let's get rid of the concept of money, it is not part of the Indian culture. It distracts.

Let's get rid of democracy, it is not part of the Indian culture. Call the kings, let there be courtesans. Let there be war to decide who rules who. It's part of our heritage after all.

One billion Indians arrived on this planet because of indiscipline and distraction.

So yes, let's get rid of sex and embrace abstinence.

Adam and Eve practiced it with much discipline until the apple came in between.

So let's get rid of all apples.

And peace will prevail, and maybe our dinosaurs will live happily ever after.

Episode 6: Watching your weight

2005-09-29T14:10:00.000-07:00

(Shonali initially refused to write a response to this saying it was extremely distasteful and not worth replying to. I'm glad she did! Aint she good?)

He says:

Ever heard of a girl who eats her heart out and your whole wallet along with it?
In all probability, very unlikely.

Even if she did, it's incredibly simple to get her to stop.

Pssst: Move romantically closer to her ears and whisper the magic word: Calories!

Then, just sit back and watch: She's sure to jump out of her chair, pull her stomach in and rush to the restroom. No prizes for guessing, she's in there checking her waist praying: Mirror, mirror on the wall, can I ever reduce at all?

I don't get it. Why are women paranoid about putting on weight?

Yes, agreed, there are guys too — the types who believe that the gym is the temple that makes you God.

But that's just a minority really. Men don't seem to mind having a little paunch. Some of them, in fact, flaunt their pot-bellies like proud pregnant mothers before the delivery.

The health-conscious decide to burn the beer and the beef by working out the very next day. And the rest know that a few smart lines is all it takes to get the woman find you attractive because women go for brains remember? Or at least they claim so.

Besides, when men are fat, women do seem intelligent enough to realise that there is "more of you to love."

But to be honest, it's great that women are figure-conscious.

Men do think that women who watch their weight are super smart. Because, they appreciate and totally dig beauty and attractive women. Besides, what will we men do every time we need a date, but for that adorable babe in the hot dress all dolled up and looking like a billion bucks? Ha ha!

She says:

They say that if Barbie had been a real woman, the only way she would have been able to move with that body structure would have been by crawling.

She must have been thought up by a man.

And she proudly goes on to give women complexes about their appearance even today. But what a lot of men don't realise is that air brushed magazine models, anorexic ramp walkers and perfectly proportioned movie stars might be the stuff dreams are made up of, but are very likely complete nightmares to date, or live with.

After all, how sweet can you disposition be if you've live on a diet of celery, obsess about your skin and hair all day, and spend every waking hour pulverising your body into shape.

No lazy weekends on the beach, no heading out for icecream and hot chocolate after dinner, no sitting up late with cappuccinos and friends. Because, getting sunburnt, putting on a hundred grams or gaining the faintest shadow under your eyes could just be a fate worse than death.

But then, any man who thinks that he's achieved his very purpose for living when he gains a 'babe in a hot dress' hanging off his arm probably isn't really looking for a girl friend. He's looking for a trophy.

And as any intelligent woman knows, we're not trophies. And we're not decoration.

A beautiful woman lights up a room, not because of her measurements, or an itsy bitsy dress, or because she's steadfastly refused herself chocolate cake for the past ten years. She's beautiful because she's funny, intelligent and glows with self-confidence.

Intelligent woman don't count calories. And intelligent men don't expect them to. Beauty, after all, is not only subjective. It's also just skin deep.

Episode 5: Is shopping rocket science?

2005-09-21T08:44:00.000-07:00

(For a change, we let the lady fire the first salvo, instead of just responding every time, we decided we would take turns every week in going first because the person answering always seems to have an unfair advantage of just replying.
Also, people may be reminded that this is just a humour column. Not to be taken seriously or emotionally. But then, many women do not have a sense of humour... ha ha! And the intention has never been to be politically correct, it is purely to be irreverent and get a good fight out of manipulating existing stereotypes! So it basically means, I do (sometimes) pay for my food, and even open doors and so does Shonali!)

She says:

I suppose they think it's macho. As they stand around, idly tossing back beers and burping, somebody or the other will bring up the topic of 'women and shopping.' And then, it's like the floodgates have opened. One guy will make smart cracks about his wife's shoe collection, the other will discuss a girlfriend who stocks up on soaps. Someone knows a girl who has… gasp… six pairs of jeans. And someone else has it on good authority that no woman is satisfied unless she owns at least 12 different types of daily wear hair products - each of which need about an hour of intensive pre-purchase research.

What the guys don't reveal, or perhaps even realise, is the fact that men shop too. And, in many ways, are far more obsessive, extravagant and indecisive shoppers than their female counterparts.

For every woman with a shoe addiction, there's a guy with a, well, shoe addiction. (At least women need to match their shoes with outfits, colours and occasions: sneakers for a barbecue, low heels for the day, stilettos for dining out. But why in the world do men need twelve pairs? Brown from breakfast, black for lunch, brown for dinner, black for brunch?) For every woman with a soap, or scarf, or ear ring collection, there's a man, who collects CDs, or belts, or, um, ear rings. Or maybe, if he's really 'macho', whiskeys, cigars or electronic non-essentials. For every woman who buys 12 hair products there's a guy who buys an equal number of aftershaves. And trendy 'metrosexual' hair gels.

And if you think women take a long time to decide on which outfit to buy, ask a male friend to take you shopping for a cell phone, or laptop. Besides the fact that you'll have to listen to lengthy lectures on tough concepts like 'battery life' and 'blue tooth technology' (because, of course, we women operate computers with will power and lipstick alone), you'll be lucky if you get home before your hair turns grey and you're forced to borrow some of his spiffy new hair colour.

He says:

A man with 12 pairs of shoes must be gay. Or an actor/VJ/model/someone in showbiz/someone who wants to get there.

Well, most women have a wrong notion of men probably because they hang out with only those kind of men who remind them of themselves. Most men I know just have formal shoes and/or casual shoes and then, they have chappals - one for the bathroom and one for the road. Because, they do not feel the need to colour co-ordinate shoes with their clothes like women do.

As women often allege, men are colour blind indeed. Because, men believe it is adequate to know that coffee, cocoa, chocolate, beige, khakhi, auburn, hazelnut are all just brown. It helps decision-making easy. You walk to the rack and it doesn't take rocket science or research to figure out what's best. You don't need to know what colour it is when you can simply point it to the salesman and say: "I want that one."

Men have very basic needs. We are simple people. And if they read up on gizmos, it's because these are expensive investments. Research not only makes for a wise investment, it also helps you make a wise choice much ahead of your actual purchase and thus, helps you save valuable shopping time that can be used for wiser purposes.

Like, checking out an interesting, definitive book or magazine or movie on women, or just the real thing: people-watching in a mall. Who says men don't like women for the time they take at the store? Men do like checking out anything remotely interesting at the malls. Let them make their choice while you make yours.

(Men could do with a mental note: There's a price to pay for anything you pick up at the mall and it's directly proportional to her purchase.)

Episode 4: The first move!

2005-09-21T08:38:00.000-07:00

He says:
It starts from the very beginning. From the day she says: "Yeah, he's cute. But let him make the effort."
Ever heard of a girl using a pick-up line on a guy? No, because she's the quintessential "good girl."
Finally, when the guy makes the effort, whether she likes him or not, she squeals: "Look, look, he's hitting on me."
If she likes him, even the corniest of lines seem mushy to her. If not, God help the guy, she finds even the best lines corny. Sidey, even.
Next thing you know, she expects you to be romantic. And she wants originality at that — THE prime reason why most guys end up writing yucky, sucky poems. They try to rhyme, all the time, that it's a crime, and far from sublime. Well, you get the picture.
I fail to understand: Why should a girl be, or expect to be, wooed?
Can't she just walk up and kiss the guy she likes? She wouldn't even have to apologise if he's taken. No guy is ever going to complain. He would probably reward the investment with double the effort.
Look at this objectively. No guy expects a pick-up line. He will happily buy the kiss-at-first-sight proposal. If he doesn't like you, he'll still kiss you goodbye. It's that cordial. Now can you expect a girl to do the same?
No. Because, they are brats. Women have been spoilt with attention. So, they expect men to take the effort all the time. They are lazy. They are creatively challenged, for, they cannot come up with pick-up lines themselves. And, they definitely do not have the guts to use them.
That's why men are so cool. They put in the effort, what it takes to make it work. Right from the start.

She says:
There was a young man called Cupid,
Who constantly felt rather stupid,
His job was to lob,
Arrows into a slob,
And try make his reasoning lucid.
Because that's what happens to a man in love. He not only starts indulging in uncontrollable bursts of verse that reads along the lines of `the grass is green and you are my queen,' but also begins to swagger about with an `I'm the man in charge' attitude.
What men don't realise is that women don't fall for them because of the `effort' they take to `make it work'. Women fall for them in spite of it.
Because here's the big secret, guys. You aren't in control. Not ever.
Remember the first time you saw her across that crowded room, and cunningly positioned yourself so you could make eye contact? Well, she saw you first. And she probably positioned her face in such a way that she could lock gazes with you — without it looking like she was actually making an effort. Which also explains why you can't ever catch the eye of a woman who's not interested in you.
When you went to chat her up, she kept the conversation going... till it reached a `let's meet for dinner' stage.
She probably chose the restaurant. She wore that irresistible perfume. She smiled mysteriously, forcing you to ask her out again.
You're just the big fish she was out to hook. Your only job was to prove you're entertaining enough to keep working on.
And you're complaining about having to think up a lousy line like "your eyes are blue, true and make me stew"! Get with the programme. As any intelligent woman will tell you, the chase is far more fun than the kill.
And you're just walking prey.

Episode 3: Who should pay?

2005-09-21T08:37:00.000-07:00

He says:
No doubt about it at all. Women must pay.
Men have been paying for years now. Time for payback.
Yes, man was an ape once upon a time. Just like how he used to pay once upon a time. But here's a word, ladies: It's called evolution.
The modern man no longer wants to pay.
He might buy you a drink when he's high or buy you coffee to make you feel special — once in a while. Which is why and how it becomes `special'. If he did it everyday, he would be such a bore and of course, broke, unless he's got a sugar daddy.
Also, it has something to do with empowerment.
Come on, shell out the money. Show us who's the boss. As Rod Tidwell says in "Jerry Maguire": "Show me the money!"
Bad enough you make the guy drive you around most of the time. And, the number of times we drop you home. Do you, like, even know about the escalating cost of fuel and maintenance?
You give the guy a heartache every other week, are you aware how much a night out with the boys costs?
And, those endless mushy phone calls in the middle of the night. Who do you think pays? It's a man or his father. Or the girl or her father (if she calls). Which means that the probability of a man paying the phone bill is three out of four.
So the next time you go out, be a lady. Pay for the guy. He always entertains you with his romantic services.
Also, he's probably broke and borrowing money just to make you feel good.
Coffee: 50 bucks.
A full-course meal: 150 bucks.
The pleasure and satisfaction of taking a man out: Priceless.

She says:
And I always thought they enjoyed paying. Honestly. I've gone out with guys who are completely rabid about picking up the cheque.
Through dessert, they make eyes at the waiter. Drum their fingers on the table. Flex their credit card holding fingers. And when the bill arrives, they jump up in one beautiful swoop and grab it.
So, what's a girl to do? I'd pay, but I really don't want to break a nail. After all, a man's got to do what a man's got to do. And maybe, someday, I'll pay him back by baking him a basket of cookies. (Snort. Yeah right! Only if I can hire someone to make them for me.)
Besides, when a guy asks you out for dinner, he has to pay for the pleasure of your company in some manner. You're doing your job by looking nice, and listening to his boring office-and-sports stories with an appropriately wide-mascara-eyed admiring expression.
Oh, all right. I admit it. Gender roles have changed. And men don't have to pay anymore, just like I don't have to bake cookies anymore. (Give me a moment to recover from a bout of hearty laughter caused by the image of myself in a kitchen.)
But it's still a charming gesture. It's not about the money. Two cappuccinos cost less than a pedicure. Paying for them is no big deal.
However, when a man pulls out his wallet to pay at a restaurant, it tells you, he's generous. When he fights through a crowded bar to get you a fruit juice at the disco, it means he's thoughtful. When he picks up movie tickets, it means he's considerate.
And that's why you date the guy who takes you out for dinner, and just become backslapping buddies with the chap that makes you pay for his pizza.

Episode 2: What's hawt?

2005-09-21T08:29:00.000-07:00

He says:
A question to all women out there.
Would you like to be seen kissing someone toad ugly?
Yes? My number is... .
Kidding!
But the point is that just like men are hesitant to date... well... aesthetically challenged women, women too stay away from the uglies.
So why just blame the men for being Shallow Hals?
Who would you date if you had to choose between Abhishek Bachchan and Yoda?
Abhishek Bachchan obviously, because he's a great guy irrespective of how good he looks.
So if you can find men who are good-looking, smart and nice at heart, isn't it inaccurate to assume that all good-looking women are dumb?
Most good-looking women are smart because they know how to get their men.
But first, what kind of women do men find "hawt"? What do men consider "hawt"?
The fair? They like Naomi Campbell, Jada Pinkett Smith, Halle Berry.
The well toned? They love Shakeela and Tamil heroines of the 1990s.
The beautiful? Why do they like Mallika Sherawat then? (wink wink)
The tall? Rani Mukherjee is a five-footer.
The skimpily clad? Then, why do they love Nandita Das?
The point is: to be "hawt," a woman need not necessarily have any of the qualities listed above.
Any intelligent woman today knows that being smart or well dressed is paramount simply because she applies the same rules to a guy.
Smartness is defined by the way a person carries himself.
If it means men need to shave, it means women also need to er... file their nails.
If it means men need to smell good, it means women need to smell better.
If it means men need to look "hawt," it means women too must.
If it means men date smart women, it just means smart women are dating smart men.

She says:
And, in their spare time, men like reading books on intelligent female space scientists. Oh, and watching action movies that comprise women mathematicians breaking impossible codes.
Give us a break.
Everyone knows that men, (ok, most men) have a weakness for beautiful women. And, given half a chance, would date only stunners. Even they admit that. "Um. Yeah. Of course. Anyone who says they're more interested in what and how a woman thinks is probably just trying that line out for a date. And he's probably angling for a pretty woman, anyway," says one of the many men I poll for this column. (Sorry. Betrayed by your own gender.) (Evil laugh)
Because, while women go for men with brains, and a sense of humour, men go for women who are... um... hawt.
And what is hawt? Usually, a lot of lipstick, a gym-toned body (and please, let's leave Shakeela out of this!) and a tendency to lisp. Especially during, I-love-you-cho-muchee conversations in the middle of the night. (Shudder.)
I'm not saying all beautiful women are dumb. But, a woman who thinks a new shade of hair colour can bring world peace is far more likely to find a date than a man who has more hair gel than grey matter between his ears.
Because, if you're a man, you don't have to spend hours at the gym working on those pecs in the hope of impressing the `gals.' You far more likely to have hoards of them putting your number on speed dial if you can make them laugh, and treat them with respect.
What else explains the beautiful-woman-dating-very-ordinary-looking-guy syndrome that you see at every shopping mall, and every party?
And would we kiss a toad? Of course. Ever wondered what the significance of the story of the Frog Prince is? Well, when the princess kissed the frog, it turned into a prince in her eyes. And that's because he was a prince deep inside, and how he looked just didn't matter.
(This is a fortnightly column on the battle of the sexes.)

Episode 1: Who should open the door?

2005-09-21T08:11:00.000-07:00

(This is the beginning of a new column on the battle of the sexes. You can read it every alternate Thursday in the Chennai Edition of Metro Plus in the Gender page. I write He Says and my collegauge Shonali Muthalaly writes She Says)

He says:
Why would I open the door for a girl?
Maybe I would if one of the following were true:
a. Women genetically lack specialised skills for accomplishing complex tasks like opening the door.
b. She is further to the door than I am, you know, walking behind me like Mary’s little lamb.
c. She thinks that the world is a Matrix and that "There is no door."
d. If I have the keys (and we are going to my place for some activity I’m really looking forward to, like playing chess).
e. If she’s knocking (and she’s come home for some activity I’m really looking forward to, like yes: Chess!).
f. She’s locked out of her home and needs my help (before we can go in and do some activity I’m really looking forward to… what else, seriously, chess!).
What is the big idea behind chivalry or expecting a man to do things that might seem unnatural to him?
Yes, women probably find it charming because a few good men in their enthusiasm to please their bratty spoilt date do it. Little do these ladies realise that these acts are just that. Acts, that work smooth, when he has moves in his mind.
Besides, face it, Ladies. It’s charming because it’s rare and special.
And gentlemen, beware of opening the door for her all the time. You make it a habit and before you know it, you are just as good as that thing at the door that lets the woman walk over. Yes, the doormat. Soon, you’ll be paying each time. Literally.
Open the door, only when there’s a chance for the dance! If it doesn’t seem like it, you will surely be happier off watching that channel on TV she does not approve of.

She says:
Yeah. Chess. (Excuse me while I gag.)
Now there’s a complex task. The point is, if it doesn’t come naturally, don’t force it. No woman is going to fall into a dead faint if you don’t open a door for her. (In fact, in these trying times, we’ll probably faint with surprise if you do.)
Because, believe it or not, we can open our own doors. And carry our own luggage. And pulling out a chair at a restaurant doesn’t need the brains of a space scientist, or the brawn of Arnold Schwarzenegger. (Honestly, if it did, would you be able to do it?)
But the fact is, good old-fashioned chivalry is still charming. Though of course, there are many points of view on that too. I, for instance, took a quick poll and found that one friend who sniggered evilly and called chivalry "a stupid, insulting" idea, while another one got mooney eyed and gasped, " but, it’s so sweet." But perhaps the most honest reply came from a girl who reportedly makes her male friends jump through hoops. "Well, the man’s there, isn’t he? So, just put him to use!"
Pssst: Looking coy and helpless does accomplish wonders. Because the bottom line is: Yeah, sure… There’s nothing we can’t do. But if somebody wants to do all the grunt work, who are we to stop him? Besides, it’s nice getting a chair every time you walk into a crowded room. And it’s nice to not have to carry your own luggage. And yes, it’s nice being treated like royalty.
And if it seems unnatural to ‘him,’ he just doesn’t have to do it. But maybe he should get used to watching a lot of TV in the evenings.